“Sometimes it’s hard to breathe. All these thoughts are shoutin’ me. Try to bring me to my knees. And it’s overwhelming. Darkness echoes all around. Feels like everything is crashing down.”

When I discovered a child abuse case a few years back, I found it hard to breathe. The x-ray was shouting at me. The sadness tried to bring me to my knees. It was overwhelming. The darkness of this evil act made me wonder if this child’s life was crashing down before him.

When I learned patients’ deaths due to COVID19, I found it hard to breathe. The thoughts of “what if” were screaming at me. I paused and considered their lives, almost bringing me to my knees. COVID19 has been overwhelming for all of us. It makes us feel surrounded by darkness, despite the hot, sunny, summer weather. And it can make us feel like the world is crashing down on us.

When horrendous acts of racism flood people’s minds, our streets, and our social media, George Floyd said, “I can’t breathe.” Thoughts of hate were shouting at him. They brought him to his knees, then to his death. It was overwhelming for our black community and it was overwhelming to those in support of our neighbors of all colors. Peaceful protests turned into riots. Darkness echoed all around. The world seemed to be crashing down.

2020 has been an uphill battle that no one feels like their winning.

More and more patients are expressing their depression now than they ever have before. Patients who were already diagnosed with depression are now stating that their anti-depressants don’t work anymore. Patients who bottled up their emotions are now finding that their sadness is overflowing, overwhelming, and uncontrollable.

2020 has been a storm cloud that refuses to clear and move on to a new area.

“Still I know when my hope is found. And it’s only you. You say you’re working everyhing for my good and I believe every word. ‘Cause even in the madness, there is peace drownin’ out the voices all around me. Through all of this chaos you were writing a symphony.”

In medicine, there is hope that I can adjust their anti-depressants to help balance their chemical imbalance. There is hope that my patients will finally agree to counseling and they’ll express their emotions in a stable and productive environment. In medicine, there is hope for a vaccine for COVID-19. There is hope for a cure.

When I feel short of breath, I take a deep breath. When thoughts of COVID fill my mind, I choose to fall to my knees…and pray. When work is overwhelming, when racism fills our streets, when darkness echoes everywhere, I choose to fall to my knees…and pray.

Because as a Physician Assistant, there is hope in medicine and in God. So, despite the struggle, I look forward to a glimmer of hope that the vaccine will come. I look forward to a glimmer of hope that the worst of this virus is over. I have hope.

Because as a Christian, the madness that has flooded our lives is drowned out by God’s peace. There is the knowledge that God is writing a symphony during this chaos. There is knowledge that God is working everything out for our good.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:7 NIV

As we journey into the second half of 2020, I pray for peace.

I pray that the children who live in abusive households are rescued and given peace after their world came crashing down during quarantine and they were stuck at home. I pray for peace for the children who have struggled with hunger after their world came crashing down during quarantine and their free breakfast and lunches were halted. I pray for peace between warring spouses. I pray for peace for those suffering from mental illness, as their thoughts become more frantic, disorganized, and illogical as a result of this pandemic. I pray for those in sadness, as they remain in feelings of isolation.

I pray for you reading this blog. That you may realize that in your world of chaos, God is writing your symphony. Trust Him to write it and finish it.

As your Physician Assistant, I pray that you show your vulnerability and seek help for your medical conditions. That you are open and honest about the darkness surrounding you, whether mental or physical. That you seek help when things are crashing down.

As we journey into the second half of 2020, let us be reminded who is in control and who is writing a symphony during this chaos.

The words that I quote above are from a song called “Symphony”. Listen to the song below and let it soak into your heart and mind, bringing you closer to God, and away from the madness of 2020.